See, Venus in retrograde (in Leo/Virgo) is proving to be even rougher on my little pirate crew than Mercury retrograde can sometimes be – and they’re no picnic! But the themes of this Venus retrograde are all about assessing your values and the things in your life that you’re giving value to. (I’m in Part 4 of the Venus retrograde podcast by Robert Ohotto, so I’ve still got a ways to go with all the energies at work over the next 3 months. If you haven’t heard of Robert, you really need to listen to his radio show! He’s fantastik! And his retrograde podcasts have brought so much understanding when life gets hella crazy.) There has definitely been a lot of that going on and it hasn’t all been easy-peasy. Things got a little brutal the other night but we took the time the next day to sit down and talk through what was going on and I feel like we really heard each other this time.
Today was a beautifull and glorious day! I woke up to the sound of my roommates laughing and crying and hugging and being overjoyed because they have been partners for 17 years this September and finally where they live will not be determined by which states don’t discriminate against us. Marriage Equality is now the law of the land! Legal in all 50 states. No more worrying that your marriage won’t be recognized in the state where you live because you had to drive hours away to even get married legally. Now we get the same rights as everyone else when we get married. Today was a stunning victory for LOVE and for everything that is right and good. Discrimination in any flavor is wrong and it’s truly a gift to have a weight this heavy lifted from our spirits.
I am blessed to know that no matter who I fall in love with in the future, we can legally bind our lives together in a pledge of strength and support.
I am tired a lot. Worn out, exhausted. Not all the time, but often depending on the week.. One would assume it’s because I work two 40 hour a week jobs. Of course that is part of the reason. I am blessed with roomies that help me by managing the house, doing the accounting, sharing the chores etc etc, but that much work can wear anyone down. But this idea.. that maybe work isn’t the real reason that I’m tired.. That maybe a big part of my energy drain is in not being myself. That I’m wearing myself down on an almost constant basis by pushing down who I am inside like trying to keep a beach ball under the water..
True, then, that the work is tiring on my body, but maybe not necessarily for the reason I was thinking. Lack of sleep between shifts sometimes, yes, but what about all the time I spend, all the hours I work, trying to be “appropriate”. Trying to belong in the workplace with all the other people. Trying to fit in, so work feels “easier”.
“I used to think the true self was hard to find, that it required a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to unearth, like buried treasure on a rocky beach. Now I know the opposite is true. The true self is like a beach ball we push beneath the surface of our lives. The true self is designed to float—it wants to rush upward and outward.
The effort to keep it pushed beneath the waves can wear us out.”
Revealing self is a hard thing to do when you learn at a very young age how to be a people pleaser for protection. It’s not a conscious effort made to be false. I’m not trying to be fake. I’m just trying to feel safe. My arms have become so accustomed to the work of holding that beach ball down that they do it without me even trying. Sometimes I let a little of it surface, the parts that I think people can handle.. the parts that maybe won’t be rejected. But it’s scary. It’s part of why my besties are people that I’ve known for about 20 years. They’ve been a part of my life through more than half of it at this point. They’ve seen me at my highs, at my lows, broken, inspired, in love, abandoned, running away. They know more about me than anyone in my life and they’ve been by my side as we’ve grown and expanded together, becoming people today that our 20 year old selves would likely not even recognise.
They are two people who I know I can trust. Who I can put my faith in. And who I know love all of me, even the parts they maybe don’t always like. At least with them I don’t have to fight to keep that beach ball buried. I can feel safe being all of my self.
How do I bring that to the rest of my life? Obviously, I’m not saying that I should just reveal everything about myself to every person I meet. But it would be nice if I could just be authentic. Maybe I can’t reveal everything, but I could start with peeling off the manufactured layers weighing it down..
“We confess because when we cage up a part of us, it’s exhausting. We confess because there is joyful relief in letting the beach ball rush to the surface. We confess because parts of us need to float, to be seen, to be known.”
italicized portions from “Why It’s Exhausting To Hide” by Dr. Kelly Flanagan, which inspired this post.
My heart is broken. Our little family lost one of its members today.
Just sitting in the living room tonight I couldn’t help but think it was way too quiet. Where’s the sound of Owen yowling in random empty rooms? He’s gonna come barreling through here like the Devil is chasing him any minute now… How will I sleep without him purring on my chest or yowling in my face to get up? I will miss our obnoxious little furball so, so much.
So I was really looking forward to my day off today. I work two jobs and one of them (a gas station) has been super crazy lately since we are waiting to be closed down any day now by the shiny new highway they’re building around us. Between the two, I haven’t had a whole day off from both in over a month. And today is a whole day off. I was so excited when I saw the schedule! My plan was to spend it lounging around in my pjs watching cartoons with my roomies and part of it working on the dolls I want to get done for RamenCon.
Unfortunately my plans have been thwarted, and my pajamas will have to stay at home alone. Well, they probably won’t be completely alone. It is quite likely that Owen will keep them company. (Meaning of course that they will be covered in fur and have to go into the wash when I get home instead of on me.) See, our kitchen floor is in bad need of repair and Myke’s dad picked today (curse him!) as the day to come take a look at it. Translation: Myke’s dad will be tearing up our kitchen flood and ordering Myke around rudely, most likely leading to some manner of verbal disagreement and much banging of things around. SO! Hermie, Nevi and myself have thought it best to vacate the premises during this whole…
debacle. disaster. situation.
With any luck we will have a nice day out (on two hours of sleep for myself) and the weather will be pretty like it was yesterday. Maybe we can have a coffee and hang around in the little cafe alcove outside the Barnes & Noble being productive and such. That sounds nice. Oooh maybe even grab some lunch at Noodles. That sounds very nice. 😉
I guess we’ll just have to see what today has in store for our little adventure… and I’ll try real hard not to worry about Owen being locked up in my bedroom (for his own safety) half the day. The poor thing is such a furry lil neurotic mess most of the time anyway…
It’s hard for me to write this because I never dreamed that I would have to write a blog about how the end of My Chemical Romance was affecting me.
When I first found out, which, thankfully, was from my besties after a long day of work and not sitting alone at work in front of a computer screen, I was speechless. Mouth hanging open. Distraught.
The funny thing is.. they were like “You need to sit down. We have something we have to tell you.”
I was all “did someone die?”
“Worse,” they said.
“What? Like My Chemical Romance broke up? Or Blue October?” I joked.
They just looked at me.
Monday was Zombie Xmas at my house. (Lemme tell you – having Xmas after the holiday is genius!) We had such a great time. Hermie & Nevi love to play the parent part so they get up early and arrange all the presents, fill the stockings, etc. Then they wake up me & Myke and wait in the living room with camera poised for our shockfaces. lol
We spent all day eating cookies and candies, opening presents, playing with our new toys. Owen had the best time ever pouncing thru and rolling around in the aftermath of wrapping paper.
Everyone was so happy and smiling. Our house was full of laughing. My heart was all warm and fuzzy from seeing everyone so excited and so much joy. I don’t think Xmas could have gone any better than it did.
I am so looking forward to Zombie Xmas this year!
First let me explain – we’re calling it “Zombie Xmas” because we’re having our celebration on January 7th, so Christmas will technically be “dead”. So that makes ours an “undead” Christmas, or a “zombie” Christmas. We’re all such a bunch of hopeless geeks so this is rather amusing to us all, even if it makes everybody else look at us like we’re a bit “touched”. LOL
Anyway tho! I am really looking forward to Zombie Xmas this year because I am super super excited about the Sekrit Projekt Christmas presents I am working on for Hermie & Nevi. (There will probably be one for Mykie later, but that was not part of the original plan.) I can’t say too much about what they are because the besties do read my blog here, but I am teaching myself to sew clothes this time and I am really surprised by how quickly the prototype came together once I understood what the directions were trying to say. I haven’t used an actual pattern to sew from since I was a senior in high school, and back then I had my mother to help me. BUT I pored over the pattern, my how-to-sew book with the lovely step-by-step pictures and a website or two and I got it figured out. After that, the construction of the first actual piece was pretty quick. I admit that at this point I’m stressing just a little because my work schedule is super crazy over this week but I will just have to burn up my little sewing machine in what time I do have available.
So I will have those pictures up as soon as Zombie Xmas is over. I can’t wait to share them!